


The Safety Inspection of Star Destroyers

by TheRussianKat



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Multi, Safety Inspections, Star Killer Base
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-28
Updated: 2018-11-28
Packaged: 2019-09-02 00:17:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16775818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRussianKat/pseuds/TheRussianKat
Summary: Star Killer Base is getting a safety inspection - it goes as well as expected





	The Safety Inspection of Star Destroyers

“A safety inspection?”

“Y-Yes General,” Lieutenant Shulk stuttered “According to the holo-tape they’ll be here at 08:00 tomorrow.”

General Hux felt the pit of his stomach drop and carefully rasped “Dismissed Lieutenant.” Watching and waiting until her small figure disappeared behind the titanium doors before letting out an entirely desperate whine crashing his clenched first against the terminal.

_A safety inspection?_ They were the _First Order_ for pity’s sake. They bowed to no one, they ruled with an iron fist and they were having a _safety inspection_. Now it wasn’t as though they neglected paper work or outright tried to injure the storm troopers and civilian staff, it was just, accidents seemed to happen…a lot.

* * *

“You knew about this!?” Hux struggled to keep his voice level as he stares up at Supreme Leader Snoke, Kylo Ren stood stoically silent beside him.

“It was,” the image of Snoke shuffled in his chair pointedly looking away from Hux “unfortunately necessary.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose Hux spoke again “Didn’t you think it might be prevalent to inform me of this, I mean they’re coming tom-“

The Supreme Leader slumped in his holographic throne “Look,” Snoke raised his hands his mouth moving silently as he searched for words “I have to go through so much paper work every day and sometimes it’s just easier to sign shit before reading it you know? Gives me more time to,” more wavy hand gestures “do what I do.”

Another voice sounded from the hologram causing Snoke to turn “- you said you were taking the day off.”

“Gareth I’ll be less than a minute I promise,” Snokes’ voice was slightly muffled with his back to Hux.

There was an exasperated sigh as Snoke turned back to them looking thorough pissed off “Great and now Gareths pissed at me, damnit,” he raised both gnarled hands covering his mouth once more for a moment before bringing them back down, sighing he turned to look at Kylo “right, if they cause problems I know that the trash compactors on all odd numbered decks have had all safety protocols overwritten so just put them in there and there’ll be no problem okay.”

“Understood Supreme Leader,” Kylo responded, bowing his head slightly as the hologram flickered out.

Seething, Hux turned to his cloaked colleague “You’re aware we will fail the inspection?”

Kylo straightened up and turned to Hux “Why do you think we have trash compactors?” then turned and walked away.

“THAT IS NOT WHAT TRASH COMPACTORS ARE FOR!”

* * *

THE NEXT MORNING

Hux paced as the Inspectors ship entered the landing bay. He had done everything he could. He had given as many Stormtroopers as possible the new prototype jet pack to avoid anyone falling off the multiple gangways. He had given Kylo Ren a Jedi ‘toy’ to distract him whilst the inspection took place. Most importantly though, he had wiped the Star Killer Database of all personnel fatalities in the past six months, there were A LOT.

“You must be General Hux,” a small stern lady stomped towards him, her grey hair in a buzz-cut and eyes magnified to ten times their size with hexagonal lenses.

Holding out his hand he stepped towards her “Yes, I am –“

Ignoring his gesture completely “It wasn’t a question General, as I said, it must be you,” she glared up at him flaring her nostrils “are we ready to begin?” Two large figures flanked the tiny lady as she tapped a pen against her clipboard. They were both clad in green armour, blasters on both their hips and stood over a foot above General Hux.

“Of course, this way,” with shaking legs he led them from the landing bay.

They quickly made their way through the safest areas of Star Killer Base, which is to say they made it through the cafeteria without incident. Hux paused at the door which would lead to the rest of the base, spinning to look at the trio “How about we stop for a beverage? You must be parched from the journey?”

Sighing, the lady glared up at Hux her eyes somehow becoming more angular “Both myself and my company have the ability to retain nutrition and hydration for months at a time, we will continue with the inspection,” with that said she pushed past Hux and opened the doors.

Hux gulped as they walked past, his stomach dropping as the second guard stopped in front of him, giving a nervous squeak he joked “Not even time for a jaffa cake?”

The guard gave a low rumbling growl.

“Guess not everyone likes jaffa cakes,” Hux mumbled as he followed them out.

* * *

To Hux’s joy the next twenty minutes of the inspection went without any hiccups and slowly the vice like grip on his heart and his nuts loosened.

By the time they reached the main gangway Hux was practically strutting beside the Inspectors, even pointing out features of the gangway as they went. But then, as Hux pointed out their brand new lighting rig above the decks main incinerator, a Stormtrooper barely ten feet in front of them stumbled off the edge of the gangway falling out of view.

Hux felt his stomach drop.

The Insector spun on a pin to glare at Hux “You understand this is an INSTANT fa-“ she was cut off by the roar of a jet pack as the Stormtrooper flew up without a single scratch.

Heart racing Hux stammered “As you can see our new jet-pack system allo-“

The Stormtrooper kept flying. The jetpack propelled him far past the gangway and towards the lighting rig. His body crashed into the rig with a resounding _THUNK_. The rig sparked and flames ignited across the rails steadily engulfing the limp form of the Stormtrooper.

“Your new jetpack system?” the lady spat at Hux.

Tearing his eyes from the now writhing figure of the Stormtrooper Hux gave a soft hum as he turned to the Inspector “…as I was saying, as you can see our new jetpack system is,” he could see other Stormtroopers gathering to watch their comrade on the rig “well, it’s still being tested?”

Raising a razor thin eyebrow she gestured to the flaming wreck of a lighting rig “You’re testing on your employees?”

Flailing both physically and verbally Hux scoffed his brain short wiring worse than the lighting rig “I mean, obviously…no?”

“You’re telling me that’s not one of your employees who just burst into flames?”

“…nope?”

Taking a step closer to Hux “Then who is it?”

Clearing his throat and brushing invisible lint from his cloak Hux grabbed for a reasonable answer “It’s a test droid.”

“A test droid?”

“Of course, to uh, test the um, jetpacks,” Hux finished, trying to look as casual as possible. The Inspector did not look convinced. “Shall we continue?” Hux rushed past the trio gesturing to the door at the end of the gangway, relief washing over him when he heard their footsteps begrudgingly follow him.

* * *

The rest of the tour was an amalgamation of near misses, catastrophes and amateur theatre by Hux; his lowest point being distracting the Inspectors by playing with a light switch as a Stormtrooper fought and lost with a toaster.

After an excruciating three hours the tour was almost over. The only area left to inspect was Deck 21.H. Hux was terrified. Not once had they come across Kylo Ren so far but if they were going to, it was going to be here – he could feel it. Every step towards the final door Hux found himself more hopeful it wouldn’t happen.

These hopes were dashed as a pair of doors flew open. Kylo Ren cascaded out flailing with his lightsaber as the floating sphere shocked him. Hux watched with the emptiness of a broken man as he the train-wreck commenced. Rens’ lightsaber sliced through the first guard like exceptionally gristly butter sending a speckling of blood across the Inspectors face.

As the carnage ensued Hux pulled out his remote, quickly typing in the manual override and blocking off the exits. Then slowly running a hand over his face he looked up at the scene in front of him.

Kylo had, for once, stopped flailing. The tiny inspector stood flat against the wall her pupils almost filling her ridiculous spectacles as she took in the massacre in front of her. Both her guards were in pieces, two messy piles of pieces. Sighing, Hux made his way across to her giving her an apologetic grimace as he gestured to her colleagues.

“Were we even close to passing the inspection?” he enquired as he carefully wiped a smidge of blood from her hair.

Her mouth started moving before she made any noise “…ov-over thirty two fatalities were witnessed, seventeen violations of basic office management protocols, two illegal zoological finds and one room that, well it was just on fire.”

“So…?” Kylo sidled up, finally holstering his lightsaber.

Ignoring his colleagues’ input Hux gently took the Inspector by the shoulder and began to escort her to the nearest exit “I think it’s time we showed you the trash compactor…”

**Author's Note:**

> You don't know they don't have jaffa cakes in Star Wars


End file.
